The World's Funniest Jokes

1. A doctor says to his patient, " I have bad news and worse news."

Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

2. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

3. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guy's is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind ma."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." 

4. This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...?

5. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

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Funny Lengthy Jokes

"I guess I just woke up this morning and decided..
I didn't want to be chicken anymore"

1. A bulky boy went to a mango grove with his friends to steal mangoes, because they were convinced that stolen mangoes taste better. All of a sudden, the watchman came out of blue chasing the boys with a rod. Everybody ran helter skelter except our hero as he could not run carrying his own weight. Result: He was caught.

The watchman asked the boy to take him to his father. The boy was trembling and said "No". The watchman asked him to take him to his house but the boy again refused. Then finally, the watchman asked him to show his father atleast from a distance. The boy agreed and showed his father who was plucking mangoes on the next tree.

2. I joined a new office. The Branch Manager told a few boring jokes but to my surprise, all my colleagues laughed.

After coming out of the cabin, I pulled out my colleague and asked him as to why they were laughing for useless jokes. He replied, "if you don't laugh, he will think that we have not understood the joke and repeat the same joke again and again!"

3. A fat Officer went to a consultancy for reducing his weight. He was asked to go to a room with an advice that if he could chase a young beautiful girl and touch her, he could marry her.

Everyday, he tried to chase and touch her. After 30 days, he reduced his weight considerably. On 31st day, he came with a determination to catch hold of her.

But to his surprise, he was asked to go to another room. This time,

they said that another fat lady would chase him and if she touches

him, she will marry him. This time, he had to run all the more...

4. My uncle was celebrating his 60th day celebration. Due to emotional prayers of the gathering, an angel appeared and granted a wish each to my uncle and aunt.

First, my aunt said that she had not visited any foreign country and hence, she wanted tickets to tour through out the world. The angel waved her kerchief and immediately my aunt's hands were filled with airline tickets.

Then my uncle said "My wife should become 30 years younger to me..."

The angel waved her kerchief on my uncle and immediately, he became 90 years old.

5. A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball

from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

6. A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter Unclad on the bed with a Romance-Machine. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter Unclad on a sofa with her Romance-Machine. "What are doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room she found her husband watching television with the Romance-Machine buzzing away beside him. "What are doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

7. A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her Husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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